Falling In Love With Your Sub

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Whether you're just getting over a breakup or trying to break negative relationship patterns, there may come a time when you simply don't want to fall in love. If this describes your current state, you might struggle with how to reel in your feelings. You can do this by focusing on yourself for a while and implementing strategies to reduce your chances of developing feelings for someone else. It may also help to assess your reasons for pushing love away so that you can eventually break old, unhealthy relationship patterns.

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Make your desire to stay single public knowledge. If you're hoping to dissuade any potential suitors from darkening your doorstep, state your intentions up front. Let your friends, family, and wider social circle know that you're not looking for love.^[1]
- For example, you might add "happily single" to your social media profiles so that you entire social circle is aware of your intentions. That way, they won't try to set up up with anyone or encourage others to pursue you romantically.
- If there's someone in particular who likes you, you might vocalize your intentions by reminding them that you want to stay single or that you think of them only as a friend.
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Stay busy achieving your goals. Avoid falling in love by focusing exclusively on your career or other aspirations. Make a vision board and leave anything relationship-related off of it. Develop a clear plan for reaching your goals and make that your number one focus.^[2]
- Keep in mind that being too goal-oriented could harm your social connections if you never make time for friends or family.
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Ask for reminders to be accountable. It's impossible to completely stay away from potential suitors. You could easily meet someone at work or while hanging out with friends. To limit any strong feelings, call on friends and family to keep you in your place. Let them know that you're not interested in falling in love and ask them to hold you accountable.
- For instance, you might ask a coworker to remind you of your goals whenever they catch you laughing too hard at the new guy's jokes. Your best friend might help you steer clear of the attractive bartender when you're at a bar.
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Nurture yourself. Self-care is important for healing from emotional wounds or worries. Implement a regular practice of caring for yourself and putting your own health and well-being first. Even if you do end up falling in love, maintain these practices.^[3]
- A self-care practice might involve eating nutritious meals, exercising at least 30 minutes per day, sleeping seven to nine hours each night, and making time for hobbies and passions.
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Fall in love with yourself instead. A great way to reduce your chances of falling in love with someone else is by falling for yourself instead. Sometimes, people are quick to jump into relationships when they feel unattractive or unwanted. When you give yourself special care and attention, you won't depend on someone else to do it for you.^[4]
- Remind yourself why you're awesome by reciting your positive traits daily. Take yourself out on dates to nice restaurants, movies, or concerts. Compliment yourself like a significant other would. Buy yourself special gifts, too.
- Additionally, showing that you are empowered and love yourself will show others how you expect to be treated. When you did get into a relationship, that person will know how you expect to be treated. Take the time to treat yourself with love, kindness, and respect.
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Get some space from the person. The most important factor in controlling your feelings for someone is reducing the amount of time you spend with them, especially time spent alone. Avoid the person as much as you can, if possible. If you can't completely avoid them, make sure the two of you aren't spending time together alone.^[5]
- For example, if this person asks you out for drinks, suggest that you make it a group activity to limit alone time.
- Instead, surround yourself with people like friends and family who are positive, uplifting, and make you feel great. They should be accepting and supportive of your feelings. Also, they should be contributing to your own visions, and understand that this is your own personal story to live.
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Block them online. Keeping up with the person online can still influence your feelings, so get some distance there, too. Unfriend them on your social media profiles. If this seems too drastic, download an app that controls your social media usage altogether—if you can't log onto Facebook, you can't stalk their page.
- Commit to unplugging during the times when you're most likely to cyber-stalk. You might also get help from smartphone apps like Freedom and SelfControl.^[6]
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Drop the flirtations. You also want to limit their feelings for you, too, if possible. Therefore, it's best to avoid leading them on. Seemingly harmless compliments, touches, or glances can send the message that you like someone. So, avoid such interactions.
- If you must interact with them, treat them with polite indifference, sticking to "hi" and "bye."
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Fixate on their negative qualities. When you are falling in love with someone, your view of them is often skewed. You can only see what makes this person so great. To control your feelings, develop a more sober and realistic perception of the other person.^[7]
- No one is perfect. Make a list of why this person isn't. Review the list whenever you start thinking of them too highly.
- For instance, if you're dealing with an old flame, you might list out why you broke up with them, including reasons like "He lies compulsively" or "She doesn't prioritize spending time with me."
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Remind yourself that they're unavailable. Maybe your reason for wanting to avoid falling in love with this person lies in their relationship status. If this person has a significant other, envision that person's face or name whenever you're fantasizing about them. This may help you maintain objectivity.
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Accept that the heart wants what it wants. Being in love with someone and acting on those feelings are two very different feelings. Sometimes, no matter what you try, your heart can't prevent itself from falling for someone. However, if you don't want to be in a relationship or aren't ready for love, don't act on those feelings.^[8]
- Acknowledge that you like the person and really enjoy their company, but remind yourself that you're not in the market for love right now.
- One way to do this is by examining key goals in your life that you would like to accomplish before falling in love again. For instance, maybe you'd like to finish your degree before entering a new relationship or maybe you want to travel the world.
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1
Investigate your issues with love. It's understandable to want to push others away when you're afraid of being hurt or let down. But, doing so can prevent you from having someone really special in your life. Try to get to the root of what's driving your feelings. Journal or talk it out with a friend.^[9]
- For example, maybe you fear being cheated on because that happened in the past. Or, maybe you are afraid that falling in love with someone will make you give up on your dreams.
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Reflect on your dating habits. If you consistently get burned when it comes to your love life, it's not surprising that you would want to stop falling in love. However, reflecting on your typical experiences with dating and relationships may help you change your luck with love.^[10]
- Ask yourself questions like: What do I usually do in these situations? Can I identify any common patterns that might influence the outcome?
- For instance, during your reflection, you might realize that you regularly enter into relationships before you have healed from a breakup. In these rebound dates, you're just looking for someone so you're not alone, but the people you choose aren't good matches.
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Change your dating habits. Change something about your habits to change your luck with dates. For instance, maybe you always pick up dates at clubs or bars. Perhaps joining a club or visiting a park might help you find a different date that leads to different results.^[11]
- Another example is pushing people away because you fear abandonment. Then, when they leave, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Try letting someone in for a change--the relationship just might turn out differently.
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Change your type. Another reason you may want to stop falling in love is because you always pick the same type of partner. Maybe you choose someone who is unavailable, who is a bad influence, or who can't commit. Changing your type could lead to a different outcome.^[12]
- Think about the type of partner you typically fall for. Now, when you're ready to date again, go for someone who is the complete opposite.
- For example, if you typically go for the "bad guy" demeanor, choose someone who is more conservative. Maybe you tend to like spontaneous people who blow off their responsibilities at the drop of a dime. But, you might find that going out with someone who is more serious and reliable may give you a more satisfactory relationship. Change it up and see.
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Slow down. Are you the type to fall in love in less than a week? If so, your tendency to rush things could be what's affecting your relationship success. Taking things at a slower pace may give you more time to judge a prospective partner's character and determine if you are compatible--before you're already head over heels.
- Think about the pace of your relationships. If you tend to meet someone new and end up spending the whole weekend with them, go on one date and then wait a few days before seeing them again. If you tend to have sex on the first date, give yourself a longer window before becoming intimate.^[13]
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Push your fears aside. If you're afraid of love or commitment, the only way to conquer this fear is by facing it. Map out a plan to take small steps to put your fears in their place.^[14]
- For example, if you're worried about giving up your dreams for love, you might be sure that you enforce how important they are to any potential suitors. Also, make sure to prioritize them during the early stages of attachment when it's more likely for you to lose focus.^[15]
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See a therapist. Maybe your fear of falling in love stems from an emotional trauma, such as being abused or rejected. Perhaps you fear giving anyone power in your life, so you try to keep others at a distance. Whatever your reasons, a psychotherapist can help isolate the cause and develop a plan to help you overcome these fears.^[16]
- Ask your primary care provider for a referral to a therapist in your area.
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Question

How do I keep myself from falling in love so easily?

Jessica Engle is a relationship coach and psychotherapist based in the San Francisco Bay Area. She founded Bay Area Dating Coach in 2009, after receiving her Master's in Counseling Psychology. Jessica is also a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Registered Drama Therapist with over 10 years of experience.

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Expert Answer

Remind yourself that having the heart be open enough to fall in love is really a strength. There are a lot of people who don't have that capacity and they really wish they did.

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Article SummaryX

To stop falling in love, slow down when you start a new relationship. For example, if you tend to meet someone and spend an entire weekend with them, instead see them once and then wait a few days. You'll also want to avoid being intimate too soon, since this can increase your emotional bond. If, on the other hand, you find yourself falling back in love with an old flame, try to keep some distance from them by blocking them on social media. In addition to seeing less of them, fixate on their negative qualities to remind yourself why you fell out of love to begin with. To learn how to stop falling in love by focusing on your career instead, keep reading!

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